Longing for a Soul That’s Well

longing soul wellThe moral of the story as it relates to leadership is this: what lies beneath the surface -of the ocean or our lives- really matters. Whether I know something is there or not is in some ways irrelevant. My awareness of it or lack of awareness doesn’t make it any less real. It doesn’t much matter whether I have ever heard of what is lurking beneath the surface or whether I believe that such things exist. The point is that there are things lurking under the surface, and it could even be that others are seeing these things though I am not. If, by God’s grace, we become aware of the dark creatures lurking below, the best thing we can do is to get out of the water- fast!
– Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton

I’m a crier. It’s the only way I can release the fullness my heart feels when I’m overwhelmed, and I get overwhelmed a lot. It could be over anything- a TV show, people praying, people crying, parenting, babies, old people, saying goodbye, weddings, a powerful truth, kindness, Jesus. It’s definitely normal for me to cry, but this past month I’ve been feeling everything more intensely and crying more than usual and I don’t know why. I apologize every time a flood gushes out of my eyeballs, or I dismiss my tears by calling them silly, but I know it can’t just be that I’m being emotional or hormonal. Something is lurking beneath the surface.

I’ve been restless, looking for novelty. My heart is prone to wander- away from God and from the people who love me- and it scares me. It could be stemming from so many things, but what is it really about? Why am I searching? What am I wanting to find?

I meet with my counselor tomorrow morning, and thank God. It’s by His grace that I’ve become aware of the dark creatures lurking in the depths of my soul, but I need her help to see through the murkiness. I need her to walk me through the depths and bring me back to solid ground.

I’m walking toward wholeness, and I know it’ll make me a better person, a better wife, a better mother, and leader, but in the end what I’m searching and longing for is a soul that’s well.

31 Days of Writing Freely

FREE-5I had a Story & Soul Session with the lovely Ashley Abramson last week, and she encouraged me to turn down the editor’s voice in my head so I can write freely. I’ll be honest. It takes me days, sometimes even weeks, to write a post. I edit as I write, and too often people’s faces come to mind and I wonder, Will I offend them? Will they misunderstand my intentions? Will they get what I’m saying? I go over each word and its placement and question whether it’s the right or best one. It’s exhausting, and writing starts to become a chore instead of an act of worship.

I want to write freely. I want to turn down the critic’s voice in my head. I want to edit less and write more. I want to weave writing into every part of my life by making it a habit so I’m taking up the 31 Days writing challenge. The goal is to write every day for the month of October, and even though I was thinking of quitting even before it even began this morning, I’ve decided that there’s nothing to fear and nothing to lose.

There may or may not be a theme to what I write this month. Most likely it will be a continuation of what I write most about- faith, life, and motherhood- but I’m hoping that my writing will take us down some new paths. I’m hoping to explore and uncover deeper things as well as be surprised by simple delights, and I hope you’ll come along with me.

See you tomorrow! (Hopefully)

Each day a post goes live I’ll be adding a link + title below so all the posts will be accessible on this page at the end. You can sign up to receive posts by email or you can follow along on Instagram!

Day 2 – No post

Day 3 – Dearest Single People

Day 4 – Dear Three Year Old of Mine

Day 5 – Being Other

Day 6 – No post

Day 7 – You Are the God Who Sees Us

Day 8 – You’re a Good, Good Father

Day 9 – No post

Day 10 – When Your Kid’s Just Like You

Day 11 – No post

Day 12 – No post

Day 13 – In the Middle of “Not Anymore” and “Not Yet”

Day 14 – Longing for a Soul That’s Well

Day 15 – No post

Day 16 – No post

Day 17 – This Is Why I Write

Day 18 – What I’m Loving

Day 19 – Catching the Sun

Day 20 – Taking a Step Closer Toward the Light

Day 21 – No post

Day 22 – No post

Day 23 – No post

Day 24 – Feeling Miss-y and Embracing Vulnerability

Day 25 – What I’m Loving

Day 26 – It Does Get Easier

Day 27 – No post

Day 28 – No post

Day 29 – No post

Day 30 – It’s Almost Christmastime

Day 31 – The End + Beginning of Writing Freely

The Beginning of Wholeness

www.gracepcho.comAs I was filling out the new client form, I came across this question. Briefly explain why you are seeking counseling. I ran through a list of possible answers in my head. I need to become a less angry mom. I get depressed from time to time. I need healing from past wounds. But more than anything I realized that I want to become whole. I want the cracks from my brokenness to be healed, and I need someone to help me through it- someone who can recognize my blindspots, who can see through the smiles, and who will walk alongside me without judgment.

I held the finished form in my sweaty hands while I waited to get called in. Even though I had encouraged others to seek counseling before, I felt anxious and unsure that I should be there. I felt like a crazy person, a weak person who couldn’t figure things out on her own. I read my answers on the form again and reminded myself that I was there for wholeness and healing and that no matter how painful or awkward it might be, it’d be worth it in the end.

“Grace? You can come through…”

It’s been a month since I walked through to the back, sat on my counselor’s couch, and started baring my soul to her. I constantly feel on the brink of a breakthrough or a breakdown or both, but it has been so, so good. The cracks of my brokenness are being further exposed to the truth, and wholeness is beginning to take place.