I’m sitting at my favorite spot in the house- the top of the stairs between the complete darkness of the second-floor hallway and the light at the bottom of the stairs, and maybe this is symbolic of where I am in my writing. I’m not completely in the dark anymore. I’m not afraid to be seen to some degree, but I’m still not ready to walk into the total exposure of the light.
I’m prone to just writing concluding thoughts. Instead of taking you on the journey of how I got to where I was, I only tell you what I learned at the end of it. It’s neat, concise, and just vulnerable enough without getting too personal.
I write with “being safe” in mind. I want to stand out but not stand out too much. I want to have a unique voice but don’t want to write stories people can’t relate to. I stay in the comfortable in-between spot of just enough but not too much. I write about things that are raw and real but don’t go deeply where it could hurt. I type and delete over and over again to create a perfectly frosted glass wall so you can kind of see me but not see all of me.
There are things I still can’t write about just yet. Things I haven’t worked through and stories I’m not ready to share with the world- things about my culture, my family, my past mistakes, my position as a pastor, my place as a woman. My mind can’t even go to some of those places because crossing into them will surely mean pain. But there are words burning inside of me, and I’m hoping I’ll eventually have the right words at the right time and be brave enough to say them out loud.
I’m remembering as I sit here that writing calls for courage. All of our giftings and our creative pursuits require us to to stand tall even when no one else gets it, when people or the voices inside our heads are telling us we’re not enough or that we’re too much. I’m not so naive to say that I’ll be brave from here on out, and it would be foolish of me to think I could change overnight or through one post. But I’m taking a step closer toward the light and hoping to find it isn’t so bad to be completely seen.