Longing for a Soul That’s Well

longing soul wellThe moral of the story as it relates to leadership is this: what lies beneath the surface -of the ocean or our lives- really matters. Whether I know something is there or not is in some ways irrelevant. My awareness of it or lack of awareness doesn’t make it any less real. It doesn’t much matter whether I have ever heard of what is lurking beneath the surface or whether I believe that such things exist. The point is that there are things lurking under the surface, and it could even be that others are seeing these things though I am not. If, by God’s grace, we become aware of the dark creatures lurking below, the best thing we can do is to get out of the water- fast!
– Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton

I’m a crier. It’s the only way I can release the fullness my heart feels when I’m overwhelmed, and I get overwhelmed a lot. It could be over anything- a TV show, people praying, people crying, parenting, babies, old people, saying goodbye, weddings, a powerful truth, kindness, Jesus. It’s definitely normal for me to cry, but this past month I’ve been feeling everything more intensely and crying more than usual and I don’t know why. I apologize every time a flood gushes out of my eyeballs, or I dismiss my tears by calling them silly, but I know it can’t just be that I’m being emotional or hormonal. Something is lurking beneath the surface.

I’ve been restless, looking for novelty. My heart is prone to wander- away from God and from the people who love me- and it scares me. It could be stemming from so many things, but what is it really about? Why am I searching? What am I wanting to find?

I meet with my counselor tomorrow morning, and thank God. It’s by His grace that I’ve become aware of the dark creatures lurking in the depths of my soul, but I need her help to see through the murkiness. I need her to walk me through the depths and bring me back to solid ground.

I’m walking toward wholeness, and I know it’ll make me a better person, a better wife, a better mother, and leader, but in the end what I’m searching and longing for is a soul that’s well.